In Search of the Island for Misfit Toys

My ex and I used to love the old holiday TV special "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys."

We'd joke that the show was trying to teach its audience something, and it wasn't subtle about it:

• First, Rudolph is born different.
• Second, there's an elf who doesn't want to be a toymaker, but (quoting my fingers in the air here) wants to be a "dentist."
• And then there's a whole place called the Island of Misfit Toys.

All of these were the network's way of talking about being different, and the message to viewers was clear: it's OK to be different. In fact, it's a superpower, and we shouldn't fear it.

So how does this relate to my journey, and maybe yours?

We used to laugh at how much that special revealed about America's discomfort with anything outside the norm, especially sexual orientation. Which, by the way, is not the same thing as gender identity. TWO DIFFERENT THINGS, PEOPLE. And honestly, for a long time, I didn't fully understand the difference either.

When the epiphany came, and I realized I am transgender, it changed everything. The person my partner thought she knew was more than that. I was transgender, a truth that was confusing, hard to accept, and easy to misunderstand, for both of us.

At first, it was natural to reach for the closest familiar label. If someone who looks like a man says he isn't what you thought, "gay" is the word most people have ready. That hurt to hear, and I understand why it was the first place her mind went. The truth was, I didn't know what transgender was for most of my life either. I just knew something wasn't right with me. I didn't like the face looking back at me in the mirror, and the pieces of me didn't fit my body. I had assumed that's just how it is. Later I learned there's a medical name for it: gender dysphoria. Growing up and well into adulthood, I had no idea, and the therapists I talked to didn't either. They treated anxiety and depression and never got to the real issue.

And here's the twist: in a sense, I am gay. If I'm a woman, and I was attracted to my wife, a woman, then yes, that's a lesbian relationship. To keep it real, I'm bi. I'm almost entirely attracted to women, and there are a few men who catch my eye. I have nothing to hide there.

But that wasn't the marriage she had signed up for, and I understand that. There was no easy answer for either of us.

This was hard for a lot of reasons, mainly because I had struggled my whole life with something not fitting. I was raised on the script that a boy meets a girl, they date, marry, and have kids. I had no idea there were other possibilities, or that nature is far more varied than a strict male/female binary.

Yet there I was with this truth. My identity had been discovered, and I am a woman. And my orientation is bisexual.

Fast forward: we're divorced, and we're friends. She sees me now, the real me, and that means more than I can say. She has her own path, and I support her in it.

So why share all of this? Why the long road to get here?

Because I'm divorced, I'm transitioning, and I'm mostly on my own, except for my FANTASTIC niece, a super cool adult woman who supports me, my boys who accept me, and my ex, who understands me now. And I'm searching for my own Island of Misfit Toys.

So where did I find it? I didn't. Not one, anyway. I found a few islands, some great, some with challenges, and I'm still looking for more.

I joined a paid online community that I love. That one is an island for me.

I'm on Reddit occasionally, and many of the communities there can be great, but I limit my time. Too much of it can turn toxic, at least for me.

I tried a well-known transgender bulletin board, but left after the moderators removed a thoughtful, fact-driven post I wrote about the actions of a leader who would have us (LGBTQ+) erased. I felt betrayed in that instant. I didn't get it, and I was done with them right then and there.

I've been reaching out locally, but groups are spread far and wide, and Friday-night travel into the city is rough for me. Meetups are hard.

I've tried online gaming. FFXIV is a GREAT place to find community, and a great game too.

There are Pride month events, and I plan to take part next year, but they only come around once a year.

So for now, I'm mostly alone. I have my sons and my ex, who are all supportive, and I'm learning to be comfortable with just me. I'm also actively seeking community. I have leads, I'm starting to make friends on Reddit and in the transgender community, and it's a work in progress. There is hope :).

The poet Robert Frost wrote, "We love the things we love for what they are." It's a bittersweet truth, and it cuts both ways. We loved each other for who we were, and in the end, the most loving thing we could do was let each other go, so we could both be free to be who we are.

If you have ways of finding community and age-appropriate friends, or want to be a friend, reach out, leave a comment, or email me. I'd love to hear from you.