Part of every persons journey, transgender or cis is one of identity. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Is there a god or gods? For Transgender people they have an added complexity and confusion that makes seeing the answers more difficult.
Imagine spending your life hating the person in the mirror looking back. Not understanding why you feel better when you put on certain clothing. Why you abuse and mutilate yourself and it makes you feel better. Why you derail your relationships recklessly. Can't have friends, drink excessively, go to chat rooms, why you have weird dreams you can't explain since childhood. and a whole lot more that I WILL not share here. To want relationships, want love, but then wreck them because you are not present in the relationship...something is missing, a void the relationship cannot fill. Something walled up wanting out.
This is what it is like to have Gender Dysphoria.
I had no idea about transgender growing up, if I had known that what I was experiencing was dysphoria..... my life would definitely have been different. The town I grew up in, had whispers of gay and lesbians thats it. rumors. Transgender, transsexual didn't exist.
When I realized that the heart of my conflict was gender dissonance! dysphoria! everything changed.
The movie Eclipse, has a beautiful song by Metric (whom I just LOVE) called 'All Yours'
The Lyrics go "I can't stop now I know who I am"
Literally when I realized what I am.... in that moment.. the universe expanded, the lights came on. I was born.
So... I spent years hiding the realization. Trying to figure out WTF this is...what it means...what I need to do about it. It wrecked me. It wrecked my relationships. I was like ..what do they call it "A functional alcoholic" but in another way "A functional Gender Dysphoric"
And I could NOT unsee what I had seen. You cannot un truth a truth.
Fast forward YEARS....
I am divorced, transitioned and as part of my education read, viewed/watched shows/movies, joined groups, listened and read everything I could on the topic.
One Source was a show called "Transparent" which had won awards and was highly touted and applauded for its genuine story. so I started watching it.
I was at first unsure about it.. it felt off to me...I didn't like the "sadness in the intro"....but also I was riveted too... seeing the inner story of this family, With Money mind you... which makes everything IMO a bit easier. but all the same I watched it, trying to relate my experience to Mauras.
There was always something off about this show for me. I think for me it was NOT an honest telling from a transgender persons point of view but a retelling from a witness looking in. It didn't work for me.
The final Straw was a story line where Mauras Son is talking to this man, I think who is dating his sister and he says to the son. "How are you doing?" the son says "I'm doing fine..." and the man says something like "I don't think you are, you are in denial, when your father transitioned he died, and you are not grieving that death" and then the son breaks down and starts crying.
For me this was a "Did I die too?" question.... I pondered this. This story line really really bothered me. So I went online and asked my community about it. "Did I die?" I asked. And the feedback I got confirmed what I thought. No I didn't and this story line SUCKS and is wrong and is unfair. So..... my conclusion was this story line was off in the weeds AND... Very Damaging to anyone actively transitioning mentally.
I also talked with my gender therapist about this and she also agreed. We DO NOT DIE WHEN WE TRANSITION. And that scene was dangerously wrong.
Then I got mad... I got real mad about it....
I was done with this show.
and there it is......this was the problem with this show, I and others, and I am sure people trying to relate, trying to use this to find meaning, answers, truths is not how this show should be used, its entertainment, with some truths but also ideas and thoughts that just don't apply or are just wrong. It is NOT a documentary or a guide to be used for transition or to support transgender people. Transgender people don't die when they transition. That is a STUPID AND WRECKLESS IDEA. Rather they evolve, bloom and find their true selves. They put to rest the discord the dysphoria they have suffered. Yet They are still alive, still have all the memories... still like the same things.. same foods, music... colors.
So ya...this is why I stopped watching Transparent.
