Loneliness And The Universe
Being alone is not the same as loneliness.
I would rather be alone than sell my identity, diminish my light, or compromise myself ever again. But there is a cost to being alone. Human touch is powerful, healing, and soothing. I haven't been with anyone in a very long time.
There have been days when I wake up and wonder what the point is. If I were to disappear, the universe would go on, the neighbors would continue about their daily lives, the sun would rise and set, and nobody would give a @#% except maybe my kids. And that is as good as it gets.
I realized that death is like going into surgery. They turn out the lights, and you don't know the lights are out. You are at peace. And I wonder sometimes how nice that would be. No pain, no feeling. Truly peace.
And... I don't think that's a crazy thought, but a real one. An honest one. One where I look around and realize my life is five days of work, two days of rest, repeat. And I live in a world where my government hates me, and I live among people who "tolerate" me, or pass me by with barely disguised contempt, or even a smirk, or a half smile of feeling sorry for me. Why, I have no idea... but yeah, it is there.
When I was younger, I was struggling hard, and my father knew it. He showed me a timeline of the whole history of the universe, with human history on it. And he said to me, "You are right here on this timeline. Do you think your problems matter in the scheme of things?" I listened, teary-eyed and broken, and he continued, as loving dads do: "Your problems are NOTHING. They are molehills in the scheme of things." He and I had that moment, and then I felt better for a while.
I think of that from time to time, and now I share it and pass it forward here. It is a simple but honest piece of wisdom.
So how does loneliness tie into the universe?
For me, most of the time, even as I write this, I'm okay with being alone. What hurts is when I miss being touched by someone, and touching someone, in a loving and connected way. When I lost my marriage and my wife, it broke me. And I've been broken ever since. In the movie Brokeback Mountain, there is a moment when one lover says, "I wish I knew how to quit you," and I get that. In movies and shows, when there is loss, they show memories with no sound... I get that too.
They say for every five years together, you need one year of being alone. So... I need three more years alone.
I don't buy that, but they say it.
Recently I joined social media, and another transgender person said they were lonely. I responded, and so many others did too. And I thought, we have each other's backs. We are the community. But at the same time, Facebook is not the same as touch: holding hands, spooning, kissing, snuggling. I miss it. It is a drug. And I'm sure that other person feels the same way.
Being lonely is made worse by family ignoring you, growing apart, or flat out rejecting you. Of my blood family, I have almost none. My parents are dead, and my siblings (except one) rejected me. I am alone.
I do have a wonderful cousin, and we talk on social media.
My kids are all busy. My ex has a boyfriend, and we are growing distant as she moves on. She has her new connection, and she has touch. I'm glad for her.
I don't really have a point to this post other than to say: it's okay to be lonely. It's okay to look it right in the eye and say, okay, this is what it is.
That's where I'm at.
