Loneliness And The Universe
Being alone is not the same as loneliness.
I would rather be alone than sell my identity, diminish my light or compromise myself ever again. But there is a cost to being alone. Human Touch is powerful, healing and soothing. I haven't been with anyone in a very long time.
There have been days where I wake up and wonder what is the point. If I were too disappear, the universe would go on, the neighbors would continue about their daily lives, the sun, would rise and fall and nobody would give a @#% except maybe my kids. And that is as good as it gets.
I realized that death is like going to surgery. They turn out the lights and you don't know the lights are out. You are at peace. And I wonder sometimes how nice that would be. no pain, no feeling. truly peace.
And...I don't think thats a crazy thought, but a real one. An honest one. One where I look around, realize my life is 5 days of work, 2 days of rest, repeat. And I live in a world where my government hates me and I live among people who "tolerate" me, or pass me by with barely disguised contempt, or even a smirk or a half smile of feeling sorry for me. Why I have no idea...but ya it is there.
When I was younger...I was struggling hard and my father knew it and he showed me a time line of all the history of the universe, with human history on it. And he says to me. "you are right here on this time line. Do you think your problems matter in the scheme of things?" and I listened, teary eyed and broken, and he continued as loving dads do "Your problems are NOTHING, they are mole hills in the scheme of things" and he and I had that moment and then I felt better for a bit.
I think of that from time to time and now I share it, pass it forward here. It is a simple but honest piece of wisdom.
So how does loneliness tie into the Universe?
For me.. most of the time, even as I write this I'm ok with being alone. What hurts is when I miss being touched by someone, and touching someone in a loving and connected way. When I lost my marriage and my wife, it broke me. And I've been broke ever since. The movie Broke Back mountain, there is a moment when the one lover says "I don't know how to quit you" and I get that. In movies and shows when there is loss they show memories with no sound.... I get that too.
They say for every 5 years you need 1 year of being alone, so.. I need 3 more years alone.
I don't buy that..but they say it.
Recently I joined social media and another transgender person said they are lonely. and I responded and so many others did too. And I thought we have each others backs, we are the community. but at the same time facebook, is not the same as touch, holding hands, spooning, kissing. snuggling. I miss it. It is a drug. And I'm sure that other person feels the same way too.
Being Lonely is made worse by family ignoring you. growing apart, or flat out rejecting you. For my blood family I have none. Parents are dead, siblings (except one) rejected me. I am Alone.
Cousins I have a wonderful cousin, so we talk on social media.
my kids are all busy. My ex... has a boyfriend and we are growing distant as she moves on. She has her new connection and has touch. I'm glad for her.
I don't really have a point to this post other than to say. Its ok to be lonely, its ok to look it right in the eye and say... ok..this is what it is.
Thats where I am at.
