Missgendering, Distancing, Sabotage, Passive Aggressive People

As a transgender woman, I face a lot of challenges that cis men and cis women take for granted, or flat out abuse. In this post I want to talk about four forms of toxic behavior I deal with, why they're damaging, and why they need to be recognized.

Edit: I want to add here that as a transgender woman I forgive and look past much. Yet, there are times when you can't. Writing about the failings of myself and others helps me in some therapeutic way and I hope helps you too. Please read on with this in mind 

Misgendering

First is misgendering. I run into this from time to time.

Last night I was at New Seasons. I'd gotten my food and was checking out when the register malfunctioned — the receipt mechanism popped out and paper went everywhere. An older woman waiting nearby leaned in and said, warmly, "Oh, it's been doing that all day. It's not your fault."

That was kind. She didn't have to say anything. She saw a stranger standing in a small mess and decided to make it easier.

Then the attendant came over, and the same woman said, "He is causing problems with the register."

A joke. Cheerful, offhand, meant to keep things light. And she had no idea what she'd just done.

I was already moving toward the door, so I let it go. That was a choice, not a retreat. I get to decide which of these is worth my afternoon, and that one wasn't.

But here's the part I want to sit with. In the time it took me to reach my car, I had built her a complete defense. She's older, maybe her eyes aren't good. She heard my voice. I wasn't wearing makeup. Maybe I still read a little masculine in the wrong light.

I put myself on trial and returned a verdict, and she never even knew there was a hearing.

So let me say the thing I didn't say in the parking lot. I have boobs. I have hair. I was in leggings. I'm shapely. I was not in disguise. And even if I had been — hair in a knot, sweatpants, not a scrap of makeup — none of that is the entry fee. My womanhood is not a performance I have to pass in order to be spoken about correctly. The bar is not unmistakable. The bar is a person.

Here's what I think actually happened, and it's more ordinary than either of us being at fault. She was warm to me when she was talking to me. When she turned to speak about me to someone else, some fast automatic part of her brain reached into a drawer and pulled out a pronoun. She wasn't looking at me anymore. She was looking at the attendant. Whatever file she'd put me in, that's the one that opened.

That's the thing about the third person. The pronoun someone uses when they're talking to you is manners. The pronoun they use when they're talking about you is filing. You find out where you've been put.

I don't think she meant any harm. I suspect she'd be mortified. There's a small irony in it, too — the first thing she said to me was that it wasn't my fault, and the second thing she said made me the punchline. She was being nice both times.

Kindness and accuracy are different skills, and plenty of people have the first without the second.

That one was an accident, and accidents can be let go. Then there's the deliberate kind — the people who know exactly what they're doing. That's a whole other thing, because contempt doesn't usually stay in the mouth. It moves to the hands. And then, if you defend yourself, you find out whether the law was ever written with you in mind.

Ask Ríhanna Kelver.

In September 2025, Kelver — a 28-year-old bartender and trans activist — was outside the Crowbar & Grill in Laramie, Wyoming, smoking a cigarette before her shift. The Crowbar is the closest thing Laramie has to a queer bar, and it has been vandalized before over its Pride flag and its all-gender restroom signs. A man across the street, later identified in court documents as Scott Durham, started shouting anti-gay and anti-trans slurs at her. He was with at least two other men. He came across the street and shoved her to the pavement hard enough to injure her tailbone.

She was on the ground, alone, hurt, outnumbered three to one. She pulled a pistol from her bag, chambered a round, and pointed it at him. The safety stayed on. She never fired. They ran.

Then the police arrested her.

Durham has not been charged with anything. Kelver is facing two felonies — aggravated assault and possession of a deadly weapon with unlawful intent — and up to fifteen years in prison. This is in Wyoming, a stand-your-ground state, where the statute says a person who uses reasonable defensive force shall not be criminally prosecuted for it, and where the very assault law she's charged under carves out displaying a firearm when it's reasonably necessary for self-defense.

Some of the facts are disputed. Durham told police that Kelver approached him first and that he pushed her because she was the aggressor — though he also admitted the encounter was three-on-one. The charges have moved around, too: the county attorney knocked them down to misdemeanors last November before they climbed back to felonies. In May, a judge found there was enough evidence to send the case to district court, while noting Kelver can still argue self-defense at trial.

So no, this isn't settled, and I'm not going to pretend I know how a jury will land. But I know what I saw in the sequence of events, and I know what it means that the man who threw the first hands is not the one facing fifteen years. Stand your ground, apparently, depends on whose ground it is.

Sources: The Laramie Reporter, which broke the story; Slate on how self-defense law gets applied selectively; Cowboy State Daily for the procedural history.

Distancing

This is where someone supports you as long as you can do something for them. Then they go cold, distant — a user of people for their gain. TOXIC!  Never a true supporter. Never a true friend.

Characteristics 

• The friend who was fine with you until you became inconvenient to be seen with.
• The friend who doesn't have your back the moment you push back on another person who is transphobic. They just distance themselves cause they don't want any uncomfort
• The friend who loves spending time with you until you transition, then it vaporizes
• The friend who wants to come visit cause their life is in a lull, and the moment it picks up they are gone. 

These people are the worst, because they eventually show their true colors, they don't really support you, and if things got bad they would look the other way. 

• The I'm your friend as long as I can get something from you. 

You are better off without these sort of people in your life.

Sabotage

These are people who support you to your face and then talk trash behind your back, or say something to paint themselves in a good light at your expense.

I ran into this when I got wind that someone had said something about the person I was before I transitioned. What wasn't taken into consideration was the deep struggle I carried, the sacrifices I made over years to help this person, the challenges I faced then and the ones I face now.

AND!!!! Reaching back to who you were before transition uses something you can't change and never consented to have used. 

This probably could be called betrayal. 

You are also better off without people like this in your life.

Passive-Aggressive and Insensitive People

Passive-Aggressive behavior is where someone says something mean folded in a fake complement or a snide remark.

• "You look great but older people should dress their age"
• "Really? you went into the woman's bathroom? huh....."
• "well.. I support transgender, but just not in sports"
• I've had so many dates...and this young man keeps coming over to talk to me, what could that be about? I'm so pretty.... " (when they know you haven't dated in years).

This is just some of the aggressive behaviors...

Acquaintances... like these  are generally insecure, bringing down others, to make themselves feel better. So the danger for transgender people is great here because these people diminish others to make themselves feel better or feel superior. 

This **IS** an insecurity and insensitivity to the transgender experience. As a cis person they talk about how great their success has been in relationships , their achievements, friend count and they never acknowledge the failures of their relationships, ground zero..might just be them. From a gender perspective, as a transgender woman I am not afforded the same "Free" card that a cis woman gets. In these cases it is a full lack of empathy, or even understanding of the transgender experience.

Closing Remarks

The world isn't perfect, lots of brain washed non thinkers (usually religious bot people), Selfishness, World experience through cis eyes, Insensitivity, Lack of empathy, Capitalism central living (I got mine, good luck getting yours attitude), and Bigotry is alive and well.  

The only way to combat this is to 

• Stand up for your liberties and rights as a citizen
• Don't allow others to diminish you
• Be a friend but don't be a doormat. Once you identify one of the behaviors above; let them go
• Be Clear on how you wish to be treated, goes along with 'Don't be a doormat'
• Finally stand up for what is right

Those who really have your back will work to have your back, will apologize, will be there for you not because they can get something out of the relationship, but because they truly care about you. Those are the people you want in your life. All the rest... let them go.