Spiral Not A Circle - Journeys

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Cause It's some kind of sin

To live your whole life

On a "Might've been"

I'm ready now


These are the outro ...fading lyrics to a song from a band I love to listen too. 

And this is the sort of thing I remind myself about whenever there is any doubt of my story, my journey, the pain I have carried.

I've spoken (well written) before about another song which resonated with me long ago. When I had that moment of awakening to my true nature. That moment of realization that all the pieces of my life, the puzzle pieces I could not figure out, the questions, the dissonance, the self hate, anger, the stranger in the mirror, the feelings, the self destruction, the trouble with peace, was because I am transgender. 

And the realization became poetry, and as moments like this, there was a song that played that fit what I was going through. 

The song 

Will they hate me for all the choices I've made?
Will they stop when they see me again?I can't stop, now I know who I am
...And all my life starts now

Which ya became my anthem, my truth, and a train that could not be stopped. It cost me my marriage, my relationship with brothers and sisters, and to be real, even people I thought supported me, but sorta do and sorta don't, who keep me at an arms length. 

It is OK Because a Truth can't be un-truthed. A fact...remains a fact and I would rather be alone and be real, be who I am, than to be loved or accepted for who I am not. 

I was listening to a podcast about this mans journey chasing down something in his family history, a question a mystery about his family..and the revelations unfolded those answers led him back to a new finality of facts about himself and his family history.  The Host Asked "Do you feel like you have come full circle?" and the man is quiet.. and then he says "I don't think its a full circle. rather its more like a spiral, we have come round and round, and as we dialed in the real truth it became a spiral that raised upwards to a new place. so no. We didn't come full circle, we are are at a new place in the journey. One with a deeper truth and understanding."

What a keen and beautiful understanding.  Our lives are not circles but spirals we weave as we move through time.




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