You Can't Hold Onto It Forever

I was watching a show the other night, and two characters, a mother and her daughter, were talking. The exchange went like this:

Mother: "You can't hold onto it forever."
Daughter: "Why not?"
Mother: "Because it's fucking exhausting."

There's a lesson in that. One I've spent my entire life learning.

Holding onto secrets, pain, anger, hurt, shame, a grudge, resentment, and carrying them with you everywhere you go is exhausting. I know, because I've done it.

This morning I woke up at my usual times: 1 am, then 3 am, then 4 am, and finally from a dream when it was time to get up. In that dream I was watching the people around me go on with their lives without me. I might as well have been a ghost, watching unseen, because that's exactly what it felt like.

I'll admit it disturbed me, because it was my subconscious reminding me. I am alone. 

So I let that sit with me... and I tried to look at it from various angles and I realized they are probably feeling the same way about me. I have transitioned, I have changed, my person is WOMAN. I am female, feminine and I'm not the MAN or Guy they thought they knew at all. They had NO IDEA that I was struggling because I HELD ONTO IT, HID IT, DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT, AND IT WAS EXHAUSTING ME. 

So what do I mean by "you can't hold onto it forever"? 

Here's what it means. 

Compromise, pain, anger, hurt, shame, grudges, resentment... all of it is exhausting. And no, you can't hold onto it forever. Why would you want to? The only way to shine, to be undimmed by others is to stop holding onto Compromise, pain, anger, hurt, shame, grudges, resentment.

The best thing to do is let it all go. To be free, you have to forgive and let go. And for those who change in ways that aren't compatible with you, that's okay. They're struggling too. We all are.

Put it down. You’ve carried it long enough.