Invisible And Happy?

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I have spoken before about destiny... and some weird feelings of destiny that have circled me my entire life. Read Fate, 12 Monkeys, The People Upstairs, and Final Frontier if you want to know more about that weirdness that has followed me. Yet... it ties into my life.

Recently I was out for a walk (alone), which I try to do daily. I find solace in the woods — the quiet, the sentinel trees, the animals that for the most part are just themselves, living and mostly alone. Rabbits, Squirrels, Birds (many kinds), Hummingbirds, Ducks, Nutria, Cranes, Owls, Raptors, Fish, Frogs,Snails,..Deer even. Ducks seem to be the most social, and even then they kinda do their own thing, loosely tied to the group.

Anyway, I was walking along and saw a shadow float quickly across the ground past me, and above me on a branch 60 feet up landed what I believe was a young raptor — a hawk or a falcon. I walked under it, turned, and looked up, and it just sat there looking around and observing.


Later I thought about the few times this has happened to me. I had an owl follow me once, tree to tree. This wasn't the first time I had encountered something distinctly unique and alone, and it got me thinking. Spirit animal? Maybe... Or... more likely something I identify with and can relate to.

My whole life I have been alone to some degree. I WILL not discount my adult relationships. They had their own needs and moments, and the feelings shared were real. My care and my love were real. What in my opinion broke my partnerships in every case was change, time, need, and nature. The nature of me, of them, and the force of demanding change. The unaddressed transgender issue.


It's honest.

So these raptors, nature, the trees — all of it has been teaching me something fundamental about my nature, which is that though I want a partner, I want love, to be touched, to hold hands, to kiss, to be held, to be understood... maybe I am a solitary creature by nature.

Growing up I had brothers and sisters. We played, we had each other, and I had a few friends too. Yet there were deeper things. I didn't understand why I felt different. I liked girls but I wanted to be a girl. I was with the boys but not with the boys. Everything I did felt off center. And bullies sensed my difference, and I was a target often. I tried to push back at times, and that got me into more trouble. So... I hid. I hid in school for years. Fear was a daily thing for me, for years, and I hid and drank my mom's liquor, and I hid in my books. I hid from myself, and this shaped who I was. In a sense, a protective shell around who I am, my real nature.

People ask, "Why do you take so many pictures of yourself?" It is an easy answer. I exist. And if I don't take the picture, who will? AND as a trans woman I want to be seen, validated, loved. !!! Self love is important too.

Regarding self-picture taking. I was recently at a big social event. I celebrated with many people I didn't really know well. A professional photographer was there all day and into the evening, capturing the event. The non-formal photos were published — about 600 of them — and I'm not in a single one of them! So... why do I take self photos? Because if I don't, who will?

As a trans woman I have much self love! Self photo taking is part of that love!

And... as much as I want to be seen, to be loved, sometimes I'm just invisible.

What does any of it mean? One friend, no friends, a thousand friends. Does it matter? I've also talked about friend counts and the meaning behind them — read my Blog: What's Wrong With Being Alone? for perspective on that. And I'll be real: it can read as nihilistic. It's not meant to be. Just perspective on everything.

So... I was walking in the rain yesterday — we haven't had rain in a long time — and I came across a snail making its way (alone) across a path, its eye stalks up in the air. And I thought, "How does it know it needs to cross this path?" Like... "How does it know?" And I don't have an answer for that question. It's alone. It could get crushed at any moment. But it's doing it anyway. Alone. Yeah, it probably doesn't understand risk. Yeah, it probably isn't that aware. Just raw life, raw living, raw nature in motion. Yet I wondered... how does it know? Daily I wrestle with my own self awareness and loneliness.

Later that evening... alone... I sat and watched a YouTube clip about the universe. Here is what I learned. Scientists are finding galaxies so old that they break the rules and the understanding we have about how the universe formed. Astronomers recently found a galaxy so old that it shouldn't exist — but it does. And I thought, in this vastness of time and space, TENS OF BILLIONS of years old, here is this galaxy that is already REALLY OLD. Existing. Our understanding of the universe we live in is always changing. The universe is ancient... and time continues whether we exist or not. It just keeps marching on.

Ok... so... doing some mental math... I live like 80 years. We all do. And it goes back to this fundamental truth. We are just a flash in the pan, and YOUR life is what you make it. Alone or together, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you literally "Do You!" Do what makes you happy.

But that doesn't mean we need to live in pain, or allow others to treat us as if we are an amusement, or invalid, or "tolerated," or bad. Or invisible.

I know I am amazing. I don't have to prove that to anyone. Anyone who takes the risk to love or know me knows this truth. AND I know I'm a good person, and much of what I do that is good, nobody knows about. I don't do good for reward. I do good because it makes the world a better place and it makes me feel good.

Sadly, I think it is easier for people to judge than to accept, to condemn than to forgive. Like in Star Wars, when Luke asks if the dark side is stronger and Yoda tells him no — it's just quicker, easier, more seductive. I choose free will. I choose to live my life my way, and I choose to do good and try to make the world a better place.

And... my life beyond work is what I choose to make it. Currently I mostly adventure alone. I have a couple of women friends I talk to, and I am thankful for them. And I have kids living their lives fully and doing the best they can. I recently got to take my son's kids on a nature walk. This made me so happy, because they got to experience what I experience daily, alone. Nature.

Beyond my day to day I have this blog, my personal thoughts, my personal goals. Day to day I live, day to day I feel, and day to day I am mostly invisible.










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