The Shadow Of Me - This Blog 1 Year Later

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One Year Later

This one is personal. It's my truth, my side. Other people in this story will tell it differently, and they're entitled to that. But this is what I lived, how I see it, and where I think I'm going. Maybe it gives you hope. Maybe insight. Maybe a gasp or a laugh. We'll see. Keep reading.

I've written it here over and over: most of my life I was confused. Out of sync with myself. Out of resonance. Out of focus with the world, and never able to explain why. If you want the long version, it's in Sparkly Purple Bicycle.. and pieces never fitting.

The label for that is transgender.

Most of my family walked away when I told them. They couldn't believe it, because their experience of me was the version I let them see, the version that coped like a functioning alcoholic. I lived hetero, normal, presentable, and a wreck underneath. Nobody knew. Nobody wanted to know. Not even the person closest to me. I wrote about what that wreckage actually looked like from the inside in Why I Stopped Watching Transparent, and about how the family part landed in Family, The World, 33%.

It has been over a year since I started blogging.

In that year I wrote about the end of a long relationship I thought would last the rest of my life. Honestly? Getting out was the best thing that happened to me. There wasn't much left of me by then, and I would have handed over anything to keep the comfort, at the cost of whatever was left of me. I was sick.

I've kept transitioning since. Personally. Legally. Surgically. I've had my sex reassignment surgery, with a couple more on the books (boobs and face). I wrote up the whole surgical experience in Vulvoplasty Journey And Experience, for anyone walking that road behind me.

I am alone.

I've been honest here about what that costs. See Loneliness And The Universe, which I wrote on a harder day than this one.

And I'm not alone, not completely. When you have kids nearby who still need help, and one living under your roof, is that being an adult on your own? I don't think it is. So I deal with it. Loving parents do what they can to keep their kids safe and get them to orbit. Even when it costs.

It gets to me sometimes that I'm the one still carrying most of the parenting while others have moved on to their own lives. I won't pretend that doesn't sting. But fairness isn't something I get to control.

Still. Better than fighting. Cut the arm off. Let it go.

I try to keep things amicable with the people from my old life. Sometimes that works. Other times I think I should put as much distance between me and that chapter as I can. I see things now that I couldn't see before. People choose their situations, and how much they want to show up. I can only choose mine.

The lesson, for anyone reading: let them go. Sever the arm. And thanks for letting me vent. Haha.

Meanwhile, the 2026 government and RWCN corruption are being fought, and I'm doing my part to resist. Religion pushed into schools. LGBT people under attack, most recently in Kansas, where the dehumanizing has a bill number. It's bad, and I've written about it here. SCOTUS is rotten, for all the reasons I've laid out. The GOP too, for all the reasons I've laid out.

So what's next?

I honestly don't know.

I don't want to date, and I'd still like a life partner. Both things are true. I need to move, and I'll be doing it in the next ten months, somewhere with a fresh start, maybe a different state entirely. It's the right thing to do. I'm planning a trip outside the US, which will be good for me. I'll probably tighten down Facebook and the rest of social media, because it's a dumpster fire: no regulation, no moderation, and it's getting worse. And I'll keep fighting bigotry and hate. JK Rowling, looking at you. RWCN, looking at you.

So what's next?

Thrive. Course correct. Find connection. Stay grateful. Keep the toxic contained. Get a pet, maybe. Learn the drums. I already have the sticks. Study women's history. Help people. Embrace the life I have left.

I'm going to keep blogging here. Maybe not as often. Times are changing.

Be kind.

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